a colored spectrum

whatever you want

Benny lent me this game book, called 'Whatever You Want'.
it involves making intelligent yet occasional bastard/bitch-like decision making skills to ensure self-survival in an dog-eat-dog imaginary Freudian world; eliminate ur ex-gf/gfs from 'i'm sorry, pls come back' eligible list. try to bed a rich nubile yet brainless babe before her party starts/or least bed as many different girls/guys per weekend. buy a Ducanti 990 because it's a chic-magnet. disappear out of the window after a one-night-stand without wanting to know the partner's name due to the harsh realization that Coyote Ugly has been committed and u jus need to escape before u puke out ur internals right smack before that hideous thing... yes... a complete satire of our glitzy, glamarous yuppie society, alluring our desires with attractions and distractions of the material luxuries and the beautiful opposite sexes alike...

recalling what Joshua said to me in his car that nite after supper... his very words rings a million familiar tinkles like wind breezing through the wind-chime carved out of my hollow paralyzed heart. it is the same old confusion that i face every waking moment after 21 March...

1) should i return to what i have alwiz been doing before 28Nov'03? that is to remain single and enjoy my fair share of fun, laughter, peace, and joy? just date as many guys as i want, indulge in activities i enjoy, go on vacation to wherever i want anytime i feel like it? flirt abundantly, bed any guy i desire, fling around like a butterfly... without a single ounce of committment to anyone or anything. (ok, studies not included in tis i-am-irresponsible list) the above would so nicely shield me from any further emotional hurt and recurring events of stabbing and scarring. i had enough in the past one year.... really... i'm simply exhausted... i'm emotionally drained. disillusioned is the right adjective to apply here. disappointed is the permanent state of heart. flings are fun. and they don't bite. plain dating/kissing/making out is harmless.... so long one doesn't invest any tinge of emotions/feelings/. *i'm sure Josh understands this section well*

2) should i jus give relationship/love/men another deserving chance to redeem themselves? bitten too many times, trusted too much, given them too much too lovingly, forgiving them too easily.... all these gracious acts done seem in vain. there is already no more reason i can give myself,to convince myself that yes, i should give this guy a chance, to give myself a chance as well to love him wholeheartedly, and put in my 100% efforts to make it the best experiences, or at least, good while it lasted. to be serious with him, keep the long terms goals in view, be committed to him, and specially reserved my heart, body and soul only for his indulgence. thus, making him the unique one in my eyes, the sweet candy of my heart, the fulfilling one in my bed...

3) don't think too much about it, treat this chaotic world and its ill-defects with oblivion, retreat into recluse. be happy with what i have now. count my blessings. thank God for His gifts. be happy with the one whom i share my thoughts with. be happy with the one who understands me most. afterall, isn't a relationship as aptly defined by Jared as "a state of coexistence where the 2 parties are nothing but happy together. they don't have to do much, so long they know their limits. they don't have to meet everyday or even every week, or say I LOVE YOU every nite, coz some things are better felt when not said in words"

til now... after 3 months after 21 March... i still ponder over the 3 choices while i brush my teeth in the morning... i still face the temptations of choice (1) every time i club... i refuse to acknowledge the possibilities of choice (2) whenever someone is serious about me *i'll probably ask him to go fly his kite* and therefore... submit myself, resigning to the card of fate aka choice (3) by the time i wash my face..... and pray religiously to God above, that He would guide me with bright light and wisdom, intertwining choice (4) into my life in due.....

surely, i will have my answer one day.... i would have made a wise choice and not regret *i have never regretted loving those who hurt me anyway. there's no point being upset and bitter about it. just be more cautious the next time round* but for now.... i would practice Joshua's words,"Live for the moment". (this doesn't mean that i am being irresponsible to anybody either. no intentions to hurt anyone. no intentions to love anyone) let the spins of the Earth and the change of seasons warm our hearts, may we find understanding and faithful love as blessed by God at our own time.

posted by Veen @ 09:48